11:24 - 11:36

 I completed this book called "A rollercoaster ride" and it was so fun in the starting, and then in the end it turned out one was just a pig the entire time, but then I thought about it more and more, and I understood that no, no it's actually very normal to react that, and that it's fine. Then I started thinking that if there's any problem with me only maybe I have made myself so much accepting that I never look at the down sides of things. I want to cry, I really want to. 

I miss 6th April 2017, 24th December 2018, 23rd March 2019, 12th April, 13th May, 6th June, 26th September 2020, 9th June 2021, 29th June 2022.......

The rest are more important to me than these. I hate these dates. And these days were good, in some way or another but at the end, it was pure shit. And I remember each and everything, and I fucking hate every bit of it. Things I read, I hear, I watch, I hate all of it. And ultimately I was a narcissist too, maybe still am. What do I have except some pretty words and the fact the distance between us. And ok I'm all sorry, it went from all sad to all lovey dovey "cringe" I guess. I don't want anything, I can't ask you anything. 

I hope this finds you ......

12:32 - 12:41

 So, good day, not very good but just decent, like a normal day only, didn't like a bit of it, though I suppose the people around me loved it, I wore a saree, I danced with people. 

And didn't liked any bit of it. Like I'm trying to do things with people but it's just not working out with them. And it was shit just shit. I would have rather chocked over a 2 year old used condom used for anal!! it was that bad. And I don't understand why, like I tried and tried and I was smiling, I was happy but not actually, it felt like I have compromised. and yup that's it. 

And it's really hard for me to tell these things to anyone, because it's just too much. And I don't understand why people think I'll leave them or think anything bad for them, like it's my least concern, I have better things to worry about, like write a blog. And it's super fun for me too at least, that I have a habit and a habit tracker. 

So I'll study rn, I'm revising French and thinking how not to open up to people, because some cool people just make me. Also the flowers look nice, with ciggs it would be better !!!

10:32 - 10:41

 Super weak with things, I need to workout more but I think I don't have enough energy though I will make a habit reminder of 50 pushups and 100 squats all over the day. I'm also cutting on ciggs and keeping a journal, actually it's flex. though I will try to bring the numbers down. I also some other things on the habit tracker like: taking a bath, duolingo, blog, reading 50 pages, etc. 

I also am focusing on academics, also there's this girl in my college whom I always see when I go for smoke, me and my friend call her "Punjabi wedding" and laugh at her whenever we see her, because that girl talked for Punjabi wedding for fucking 2 hours, so yup. It's always good to see her, it's not like I wanna be in a relationship with her but just a friend with whom I could do "masti vasti". 

Me and my friend have participated in a competition, so we are learning how to make maps and web scrapping, so it's fun. So allocated 50mins for it, yesterday I couldn't the input and outfield connect to my c++ main, and it stressed the fuck out of me, though it's fine. Also I'm working for my OODP project, today I won't because I already have 4 tasks which would make me sleep at 2-3oclock, so one can call me anytime. 

Arey haa I deactivated insta so it's very healthy, like it's going well only. I will try to be more productive over time and will read as many books I can.

9:36 - 10:32(29march, forgot to post)

Listen to "Know You Miss me" by Chasinbens

I never understand any signs whenever someone gives me, ever and the same goes the sarcasm to the people I'm attracted to. I kinda opened my another side to one person today, and then I deleted the app. So yup that's one thing. Also I'm trying to get all the flowers present on the campus for a girl in my class, she's cute and nice, though she's bhaiiiiii, so not even thinking to hit. It's very simple why to ruin something great with a relationship. 

I deactivated all my dating apps and instagram. I need to get some work done, it's not like I cannot do things without them, I really need to utilize my time. Like no matter how much I do I know I can be more efficient, so now no "bckchodi" only work work. I also only smoked 4 ciggs, so it's going well. 

Also I had lent some money to people, I don't know why aren't they giving it back, I really need that money to pay the bills. Like seriously, I need that money to pay bills 

11:52 - 11:59

 I fucked up, I broke my lighter 

It was given from ____. the most precious thing to me in this world, you know I never shared it I never let anyone touch it, or even lit a ciggerate with it, I would only lit with that lighter. It was the most precious thing to me, and now I think, it's gone. 

I'm moving on from her, it's going on, it's a process. I don't know, how the fuck I fucked up, now I realize that friends should never date. not even a bit. I become easily attached to people, I easily feel in love with people* 

I miss her, a lot but what can I even do. I shouldn't done thought of that stupid promise I made to someone, only to get hurt myself. and the fun part she's not even with me. Though I'm trying, I just need some time. I really want things to work out with people. I just wanted to her's. and no matter how cheesy it may sound I loved her, and I understand that love drives people crazy, that I only want to be her and no one else, and I guess it was the same for me uphill now, but I'm done with that phase 2 weeks back. I really want to fell in love again. 

I would like a hug. 

Everything's gonna be fine, it's gonna be fine 

it'll all work out. 

I'll try to get the lighter fixed tomorrow.

8:41-9:23

 So, today ash left, I mean I have never said out any names, but Ansh is my friend in hostel in my college, and the guy was nice, I was not I knew, I was always very hard on him, always demanding more. Now that he's gone, it's fine by me. because now I'm at that stage where I know people will come and go, it's the memories which one should cherish, I remember the times when we had stopped going to the Akka's place, because she though we were stealing. And me and him were robbers, we used to legit steal things from shops, at the starting it was fun, but then it became a habit, like every time we went to a shop, we'd steal something or another. So yesterday, we got curd, and we ate it and I realized that might be the best thing or the time with him while we ate curd outside the girl's hostel. Will I miss him, yes I will, but will I ever demand his presence no, because I know I cannot ask something which so dumb. (I was him like that, because I wanted him to do things on his own and not depend on other people, and I guess I do it wrong, I demand from people whom I don't love and not from the people I love, but I demanded from him).

Apart from him, I have started maintaining all the activities which I do at the end of the days as to be more productive. It's going well, and I'm trying to give myself again to people, but I'm not able to give my all to them, and it's disturbing, I give it all but still I find that I'm not giving it all all. 

I'll work on it, I guess I need to take time off these things and focus more on things which are more productive. 

12:04-12:14

 So, rn I'm studying two of these edx courses, I got them yesterday, one's for cooperate finance and the other one is for essential skills for investment banker. Because I like their life style. 

I also read a chap from the bill gates book today, now I'm going to just read in my free time, or maybe do smth or another, I have been less of what one may say efficient. 

I removed all the apps from my Home Screen on my phone and turned off the notifications, so that I don't really get disturbed and will try to be away from the temptations. Also I found this super cool flip phone which scans QR codes from it's device and it's like the coolest thing I have seen. I also started my money and ciggs journal, so to have a track over things and be responsible. Arey !!!!! the most fun thing, I will be taking a normal keypad phone, to be detoxed from all the things, see I can manage my WhatsApp from my Mac and insta too, and I'll be away from all the dating apps, how crazy that'd be. 

I tried to find this girl yesterday whom I had met on a bus stand a year back, now I don't remember her well but she was super cute and nice, and I remember our meet and it was just like we were made for each other from my side, but then apparently I cannot do that, I need to be more open minded and think that the other person deserves all my attention. 

Moreover I guess, no no no, I know I might have become more boring, like there's a stance where people are boring then there's when other people may also start looking at you like a boring person. I will be making notes for my GitHub and other things which I'll do and will keep a live track of all the things regularly, so that I don't forget those things. 

and I will re-fill my lighter tomorrow 

11:38 - 11:46

 Apparently my electrical engineering class is the most interesting one out of all, though a majority of the people fail in it, like last sem almost 60% of batch 2 were failed. I had one test of EEE and I guess it'll be just fine for me. 

So I'm thinking of a haircut tomorrow, let's see what should I do for the same; I went to this "ritchi market" in city and apparently it was nice, like there were many things, but it was all normal, nothing too much special in it. like it was eh, I had the expectations of like a freaking hacker zone and all but in actual nothing. though things are cheap there. Also for the laptop, my parents will be sending that, so I have this 2007 IBM thinkpad, so that'll be smth OG I guess, also I wanna shift alone, like now I'm thinking to shift in alone, because I cannot live with anyone I think, like I want my fucking space. But this way, I guess my narcissism would be in control.

Also I finally connected git to my laptop and now I can make new repos using my vs code terminal, so like that's super fun. It just gives a coder feel and nothing else. 

So I also need to complete orders for people, let's see how it goes.......

so YUP!!!!

11:58 - 12:33

 I woke up around 11oclock, so I had skipped a few classes actually all, though I manage to get proxy, so that was a great thing, I read a book today about this mahadevi and it honestly was nice, like I can narrate this story to my grandmother, so that'll be fun. saying that I'm missing home, but I know going there would do nothing good. I went in to my gender studies class, and it was decent it was only me and the teacher, so one can imagine. I am trying to make an organized c++ software, hopefully it'll go nice, also I'm planning to get a small laptop or something like a small monitor, only to do funky stuff on that, wait lemme check how much do they cost, okay !!! apparently I cannot afford them, so I'll get my old laptop from home and will work on that. And, I'm thinking to learn an instrument but I'm thinking how to do that and stop procrastinating, so I'll have to work on that, I need to have a wider span of focus, without anything on plate. 

I have a hardcore habit program I'm doing so that'll be good, I basically made myself think that I did a lot, but I think I could have done a lot. 

And cigarettes !!! my love for them never goes down 

..

 will start writing from today evening, this will just be an opening statement, 

Also I'm working on different projects, so as to improve my knowledge (like duhh!!) and I had pretty much about 7 breakups since the start of my college, so of course, it's not ideal, so yup, I hope everything will work out just fine, today evening starting, also I would be changing my blog type, like I will make a new website so as to publish blogs there, rather being dependent on the blogspot, because I think I can do many things there and could learn new things.